Thirty what?

When I was younger,  I remember wanting to be an astronaut. It seemed easy enough. My teachers would ask me what I would want to be and I would tell them. In all actuality I thought to myself, ” I have to pick just one? ” but I knew I wanted to see the world… and do any and everything I could.

Life happened.

The Challenger exploded I think in 1986. I quickly changed my mind. I drew cartoons constantly through school and my friends and teachers knew that I would make something of it. I later decided to become an engineer because I heard they made a lot of money. We didn’t have a lot of money and I was thinking, back then, how I could make a better life. But there was an artist brewing in me and he beckoned to express himself.

As my emotional side demanded to be expressed through the arts I decided to study art. Actually went to college for it. I also studied acting, because I just loved to live the lives of characters that were so unlike me. For some reason I felt…it helped me understand people. It was in college that writing became a passion.

My College professor praised me on a paper I wrote in art history and asked why I had not considered writing. I shrugged the thought off. But after graduating and not really having a direction I wrote my first novel and actually found a publisher.

Two books later, and at 28 writing didn’t develop the financial stability I thought it would. I had been acting since I was sixteen and I thought if I was going to make anything of it, it was no or never. So the first chance I got I high tailed to Los Angeles to try my “luck”.

I managed to grab a few acting gigs here and there. Did some theater, extra work, and a couple of independent film parts but nothing that would put my name out there. After three years, I lost my job and had to move back to Texas.

Depression was about to sink in… I was now over 30 and all my peers had figured it out. They had made lives, money, and created families. Here I was single, newly out about my sexuality to my family and friends, broke, and simply not knowing what direction to take. I could only imagine that everyone was judging me.

What was expected of me? Why was I here? Why was it so difficult for me? Why was I such a late bloomer? The more questions I asked. The more questions that popped in my mind.

I remember when living in California sitting on the beach watching the surfers. Sometimes they sat on their boards just floating but when the tide came in they would begin paddling to catch the wave. When the wave hit, it was was a struggle, to stand on your feet, to keep your balance, to guide the board, yet go with the flow of the tide. Control and chaos all in one…perfect balance.

I guess that’s how I feel with life at the moment. Surfing the ocean tide of life, waiting for it to push me along….

Looking for the perfect balance.

Here I am …thirty something, and just like a kid I still want to do everything. 🙂

One thought on “Thirty what?

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