I think we all have these moments where we get frustrated with either finding the right person to share our life with or being frustrated with the person we are sharing our life with.
I found myself in this ongoing cycle this past few weeks. I had met a few potential guys from different backgrounds who I would consider my top “five”. Yes–I know, I said I wouldn’t be looking during the holidays but sometimes things happen. My frustration happened because time and chance weren’t lining up. It seemed not one had time for me. But I took it personal, I internalized it. (fuckit I’m a pisces) In my own world I felt like “damn… all these great guys and not one of them is really into me.” I go online and there are guys I’m not attracted to hitting me up on apps day and night. But the few I really like…nothing.
So I lowered the bar. I went to a random guy’s apartment, hoping for something more. I get there and he has a friend there (akward. .. i didn’t sign up for this) He’s strung out obviously, the guy has difficulty putting a sentence together. The host offers me a smoke, I ask “What is it?”
“Crystal,” he says to me. I smile and shake my head, “No thank you.” He offers me a drink instead. I watch him pour it (No Bill Cosby episode tonight sir) Meth heads are all over Dallas… yet another thing he didn’t tell me. Mind you this guy looks way older than his profile pic but I figured he would since he only showed me one. He offers to take me to his room and there are these huge sex toys all over his bed and i immediately think (yep, I’m not doing this.. I mean how many sex toys does this guy need…and why are they the size of my arm?!) He’s playing porn and his cold hands are trying to get in my pants and get me hard. I have knee jerk reaction a couple of times but my surroundings remind me where I’m at and dick reminds me to go home. He tries to kiss me but breath smells like ass and lube. I turn away. I finish my drink and go to the bathroom. Remind myself… I’m better than this . #breakingpoint
I had a dream that I broke my glasses. I know dreams. That usually means that I’m not seeing things clearly. I think guys don’t like me when in truth maybe they have something else distracting in their life. I’m smart , attractive, spiritual, got a job, car, and want something more than sex… when all I meet is guys just offering sex of course I’ll be disappointed. And the guys that are like me…are busy .. all the time. Just gotta wait for time and chance to slap us together to bring about change (like a raindrop waiting to become a snowflake) .
So I step back… take a look at the bigger picture. Where is my puzzle piece in this hosh posh? What do I do…and what do I NOT do?
I woke up with that Forrest Gump theme song in my head …ya know when that feather is just floating in the wind?
Today I focus back on me. Love myself and stop looking outside of myself for happiness and look within…
Right after I finish this Whataburger cheeseburger.