It was a long month. Things got better and worse at the same time. I’m hopeful that even with the bad things, it will open a door of opportunity. No weekly Tarot this week. Still working on the monthly tarot….and everyone so far is about love. What’s new right?
Our relationships whether plutonic or romantic are the defining borders of emotional ocean…or shallow ponds. We have to pick and choose our associations wisely mainly because we become more like those we hang around.
I won’t rant long. I just felt the need to vent. I’m still optimistic that life is moving me toward some grand plan… Talk later….
 I’m clicked into self reflection mode. Time to look back. I do that a lot. It helps me remember why I’m doing things. I found this year I’m getting better at reading signs and knowing the timing of things. It helps, kinda like using a farmer’s almanac. This year more than ever I felt like people called on me to read cards for them, which was quite interesting.
I realized this year that I’ve become even more patient or moreso tolerant of other people while at the same time putting ample space between drama and myself.  I’ve met some new people and gotten closer to others all in my pursuit to be more “social”. I’ve slept with folks and completely forgotten them and thus realized that I need to take intimacy a lot slower if I desire to keep people in my long term memory. I didn’t fall head over heals in love with someone but I did stay open for the chance. At the same time I realize …hey there’s some things I need to work  and learn about life and relationships and I my sole purpose shouldn’t be just finding someone to be with.
A new job this brought new challenges, and helped me see for myself that I am very talented and creative. There’s still untapped potential that I have yet to use.
I’ve gotten the chance to get back into acting again this and realized how much I’ve missed it.
The gray hair in my beard and my drowsiness at the bar late at night  reminds me of my age, mocking me  yet pushing me to not waste time.
Life is about challenges and cycles and I’m sure this next year of my life won’t be void of those type of experiences.
I hate it when I have a dream about work and then have to come to work…. I mean damn, I literally had a dream that I was getting off work and then life is like, “hahah just kidding you were sleep …now start over.”Â
[insert sad face here]
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Granted my weekend was lackluster and I just laid around. That’s what happens when you’re waiting for pay day. You don’t do shit. My mind is brainstorming ways to make more money outside of job (well other than being an author) but it’s not like I’m Anne Rice or J.K. Rowling or something (well not yet) . Â I can’t cut any more expenses , unless car insurance is an option… yeah…probably not. LOL.Â
#grownfolkproblems
in other news, I just joined Meetup.com … it’ll help me find social events to go to with people my age… ya know for working folk. I have friends, but they are EVERYWHEREÂ and in every city. I dunno, I just want a social club or something to be apart of . Maybe I’ll volunteer. I checked into HRC (Human Rights Campaign) to see what they were about. I’ll keep you guys posted …
Of course as you can see … I have way too much free time with my webcam filters… Why would any one use these? WHYYYYY!
It’s Sunday and I’m trying to get my ass into gear for the new year (whoa that rhymed) . May go to brunch if me and the boyfriend can gather the troops. (Cause that’s what gay folk do on Sunday…Brunch– then the lesbians go watch football or go mow their lawns or something) Football is not my thing.. History channel, maybe.. I can watch that shit for hours. If no one gets together today, I’ll go into hermit crab mode and write something.
When I was younger,  I remember wanting to be an astronaut. It seemed easy enough. My teachers would ask me what I would want to be and I would tell them. In all actuality I thought to myself, ” I have to pick just one? ” but I knew I wanted to see the world… and do any and everything I could.
Life happened.
The Challenger exploded I think in 1986. I quickly changed my mind. I drew cartoons constantly through school and my friends and teachers knew that I would make something of it. I later decided to become an engineer because I heard they made a lot of money. We didn’t have a lot of money and I was thinking, back then, how I could make a better life. But there was an artist brewing in me and he beckoned to express himself.
As my emotional side demanded to be expressed through the arts I decided to study art. Actually went to college for it. I also studied acting, because I just loved to live the lives of characters that were so unlike me. For some reason I felt…it helped me understand people. It was in college that writing became a passion.
My College professor praised me on a paper I wrote in art history and asked why I had not considered writing. I shrugged the thought off. But after graduating and not really having a direction I wrote my first novel and actually found a publisher.
Two books later, and at 28 writing didn’t develop the financial stability I thought it would. I had been acting since I was sixteen and I thought if I was going to make anything of it, it was no or never. So the first chance I got I high tailed to Los Angeles to try my “luck”.
I managed to grab a few acting gigs here and there. Did some theater, extra work, and a couple of independent film parts but nothing that would put my name out there. After three years, I lost my job and had to move back to Texas.
Depression was about to sink in… I was now over 30 and all my peers had figured it out. They had made lives, money, and created families. Here I was single, newly out about my sexuality to my family and friends, broke, and simply not knowing what direction to take. I could only imagine that everyone was judging me.
What was expected of me? Why was I here? Why was it so difficult for me? Why was I such a late bloomer? The more questions I asked. The more questions that popped in my mind.
I remember when living in California sitting on the beach watching the surfers. Sometimes they sat on their boards just floating but when the tide came in they would begin paddling to catch the wave. When the wave hit, it was was a struggle, to stand on your feet, to keep your balance, to guide the board, yet go with the flow of the tide. Control and chaos all in one…perfect balance.
I guess that’s how I feel with life at the moment. Surfing the ocean tide of life, waiting for it to push me along….
Looking for the perfect balance.
Here I am …thirty something, and just like a kid I still want to do everything. 🙂
So Myspace launched their new version of their site last week and slowly but surely everybody is being integrated into the new system. I finally got a chance to see the site and it looks pretty cool. Very streamline. Unlike the previous upgrades, they have redone the entire site from the notes to forums making the whole website look more unified. And theres a slight more artistic design element which I, as an artist appreciate.
I know people are like “facebook is where its at!” and I have a facebook too but I had myspace first before it got popular.
Even though most people have jumped on the Facebook bandwagon, I’m gonna stay faithful to myspace. Why? Because it is useful to me. I can do tons of things there that facebook doesnt offer. Facebook to me, is social networking for dummies…its so easy your mother can do it… and well…she’s on there. Its simple and they dont really give you much lead way to add music and design to pages.
Myspace, although they have reformatted the way users design pages in their 3.0 version still hold true to allow artistic expression in whatever way that may be.
The negatives to new site… theres tons of glitches but thats to be expected in a beta version. So far people are still grumbling that they don’t like it yet they still log in everyday if yet to bitch and complain. Perhaps thats what Myspace is for now… for society to release and vent. Venting is a form of expression. We have so many friends that know us on Facebook we’ve almost become censored to what we should share because of what people might think. (well i dont give a fuck) but yet, even my mother has two cents about some of my posts there.
When it comes to Myspace… I REALLY dont give a fuck. Thats MY world… and I use it to my will. It’s my toy and I don’t have share. I simply go to entertain and be entertained. I love it. I’ve been with Myspace since the beginning, and look forward to see how it evolves.
Happy Labor day people! Just sitting around so thought I update you guys on my adventures this past few weeks. Also …if you haven’t already please check out my youtube channel as well and subscribe.
Things I can’t wait for that I will update you on…
Dallas Gay Pride this month and Dallas Southern Pride (black gay pride) so more vids on the waaaaaay. This will be my first time going to both. wooo.
New books on the way!
Other than what I explained in the video …im back to brainstorming on money making ideas. What do you guys think about tshirt designing? Hmmm I wonder how I could get into that field.
First watch the video above. I actually saw this after I decided to blog about this particular subject. It’s been on my mind to talk about this. Also view my video about this subject of being spiritually online from my pov.
Okay. So the question here is HOW to get spiritually online. You can have a computer, a broswer, and tons of programs but you may never get online without a modem with internet connection. Your internet connection is a manifestation in the physical realm of your supernatural “inner-net” connection. [picapp align=”left” wrap=”true” link=”term=man+online&iid=259770″ src=”http://view.picapp.com/pictures.photo/image/259770/global-market/global-market.jpg?size=500&imageId=259770″ width=”234″ height=”331″ /]As much as I abhor organized religion, it can get you connection. It just seems that some of the larger companies (ie religions) charge more, have tight contracts, and have hidden fees. But either way…the internet (or your spirituality) is free. You don’t need to OWN a connection you just need a modem that can receive signals. Are you spiritually receptive? If you are then you can find that one server (or religious idea) that can “serve” you the purpose of getting connected.
If you notice, getting online in our physical world is getting faster and faster. So is the same with the spiritual world. Right now everyone wants to access the 4G network (or 4th generation) …which so far is the fastest. This way you get information faster through whatever device you use. So is the same with spirituality. If you are still functioning on old servers that use dial up you may be spiritually online just not receiving “spiritual awareness” in the fastest way possible. [picapp align=”right” wrap=”true” link=”term=man+online&iid=186616″ src=”http://view.picapp.com/pictures.photo/image/186616/man-using-laptop/man-using-laptop.jpg?size=500&imageId=186616″ width=”234″ height=”156″ /]
At this point in time, it is imperative for people to continue to upgrade themselves spiritually and to receive and give spiritual information as quickly as possible.
Do you know who you are really? Are you your online profile? Or is your online profile just representative of who you are? How people see you in this world is no more the true nature of who you are any more than your online profile is. Our “username”, our likes, the things we want to share, our social network connections are just representations of our lives. But there’s way more. You are the mind behind the profile. You are the mind OUTSIDE the computer not IN it.
In my video I spoke about programs. Your programs are the ideas in your mind that you have access to. They are the beliefs and gifts that you have. Some people use maybe one program but have many many programs on their “hard drive” . But if you don’t know you have them…you can’t use them.
When you are spiritually online, not only can you automatically upgrade all your programs but you download new programs to use in your daily life. Much like that matrix scene.
Ahh I love the matrix fight scenes… if only for that. But the ideas are good too.
Take time to know YOUR PROGRAMS and make sure that there are no programs that have been downloaded into your hard drive that you didn’t put there. It is up the operator (you) to remove any programs that you have that you don’t want. ONLY you can do that.
So life is steady speeding up. I got cast for another play called EAVESDROPPER…where i’m like the narrator that is unseen…think of how ZACK Morris on Saved by the Bell used to talk to the audience…lol. I know old reference.
Been feeling under the weather so i’m getting check ups and shit. I HATE medicines and i’m doing my best to avoid shots and vaccines ewww….if possible. I don’t trust them.
Still editting my third book. I think it will go over pretty well once i’m done…that’s the hope at least.
I quickly changed my mind. I drew cartoons constantly through school and my friends and teachers knew that I would make something of it. I later decided to become an engineer because I heard they made a lot of money. We didn’t have a lot of money and I was thinking, back then, how I could make a better life. But there was an artist brewing in me and he beckoned to express himself.
