Knowing Emotional Triggers 😭

I’ve been sleeping with an oracle card by my bed and lemme tell you…😳. The shit that comes to me while I sleep.

Okay… The moon card is a our subconscious. The illusions or the things that decieve us. The stuff we can’t see.

I had a lot of dreams last night again. Won’t go into it but I woke up thinking… “I got abandonment issues” . I hate waiting on people. I’ll tell you why. Prepare for a long story.

When I was kid in 1st grade many moons ago…

I was waiting for my mom to come pick me up from school. Usually I was the first one to get picked up. But this day… Was different. I found myself playing and waiting with kids until soon… I was the only one waiting by the flagpole. Even teachers were leaving and going home. Some noticed and were like, “Are you okay?”

I always reassured them, “my parents are coming. I’m fine.” This was a different time. It was the 80s . No one called my parents or nothing! 😂. But I was getting worried…and cold. One teacher suggested I wait inside. So I went inside and sat on the floor in the foyer. It got dark early so then I really got scared and my little mind started to wander.

In the 80s … Punky Brewster, Different strokes , and Webster were a thing…all about kids losing their parents or getting left somewhere. All I could think was ” They forgot about me…ME!

The janitor came sweeping by asking if was okay. I told him yeah, they’re coming. (ah the faith of a little child) But deep down I wasn’t sure. Again… The 80s…no one called. 🙄 . Every car that drove by ,I’d peep my head up and when it didn’t stop I sunk back down into the corner. I think I cried for a second and sucked it back up.

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Finally a honk! I jumped up with excitement and ran to the car .

I don’t remember saying anything. My mom apologized and said my dad was supposed to come get me today but he was working late. When everyone got home they realized oops ! (Like a Home Alone prequel called School Alone) I don’t remember showing any emotion… I was mad. I held it in.

Fast fwd to the 90s …

Freshmen year and just got out of track practice after school. This time my stepdad was supposed to pick me up. I sat there about an hour before those old feelings stirred up. I was forgotten….again. Mind you we didn’t have cell phones then, no money for a payphone, and I wasn’t about to ask a teacher for help 🙄. So I took my heavy ass backpack and yup…walked several miles home.

I got home at night around mmm 6pm . It was dark and even the neighborhood kids like “damn you just getting back from school?” (You know how kids are) No one said anything about forgetting to pick me up. But I was a teen…I didn’t care anymore. Nope. Not waiting on anybody anymore.

So yeah…. I got issues. 😂 Waiting is hard. And at the same time, I don’t like people waiting on me so I try to be on time every time which is good I guess. (To be early is to be on time). But anytime I feel I’m waiting too long, that inner child resentment pops up and that inner teen says … Start walking!

In Conclusion…

Everyone has some inner child issue that gets triggered when we are adults. Parents aren’t perfect. They make mistakes. Some of us have had fucked up parents or none at all. Some people have had way worse things happen to them in their childhood.

We all have coping methods to protect that inner child. That coping can be good or bad. When we understand our past trauma and our coping method, we can understand what triggers us and consciously decide what’s the best way to deal with our inner child.

Wow that was alot to unpack. Sorry, it’s Gemini season what can I tell you, my brain is moving.