I don’t understand this desire for gay men to be so discrete. I don’t want to be a hypocrite though. Before I came out I was the same. But now that I’m out and I date I find the same guys. Perhaps it’s karma.
To me , it makes me feel like you’re ashamed to be around me, like we’re doing something wrong. I don’t worry about others. I’m a free spirit. I don’t want to feel limited in my expression in love. I don’t want to feel like someone’s secret.
I know what I want. When I dated a female I treated her the same. Like I want to be treated. If I date a guy I shouldn’t have to change. Love is… an expression. I’m artist, don’t tell me what and how to paint. If you like it great… if you don’t like it great. I made you feel something.
Who cares what people think? What can they do? What can they say? Does it matter?
I don’t even know why I call it online dating … might as well just call it dating. In my universe there’s not too many ways to get to know a person. My life is consumed with the internet (working in social media) and I try to go out when I have money and time, but then I want to hang out friends. Drunken bar hookups seem just so… unromantic. lol. So I’m using my tools to see how this works.. (versus my tool) . So far I’ve checked out Tinder on my phone and OkCupid. I’ve gotten more feedback and conversation on OKcupid. Maybe cause the guys in my neighborhood are not the “dating” types. But I do live smack dab in the middle of the gayborhood close to all the bars so…there you have those “drunken bar hookups” just on my phone app. Not that I don’t mind a drink or two and whatever happens-happens it’s just I would like to do something more–ya know like a stroll to Klyde Warren park or hit up White rock Lake or something. My close friend told me that I have to put the intention out there that I’m serious. So hey… can’t put it out there better than writing it down can I? I’m a hopeful romantic. I like a lot of guys, I think a lot of guys are cute, it’s just none are quite fitting with my life at this moment. I’m a generation X guy that can easily date older or younger at this moment. I like partying but I don’t want to do it all the time. I like chilling with netflix but I don’t want to be at home all the time. I just need a fine balance of the two… an active and passive relationship/lifestyle. Eh, I don’t want to overthink it.
Being gay and trying to find a mate is not as simple as one would think. First of all it’s not something every parent grooms their sons to do. So most guys, don’t know the first thing to do when approaching another guy. We revert to a primal caveman like way of speaking to each other… the stare, the smile, the grunt “sup” “me want sex” type of conversation. And true enough gay men relationships are quite different from hetero relationships and lesbian relationships. We eat our dessert first and then pick through the entre last. Then and only then, after our belly is full do we consider paying the bill or leaving the table without even a tip. Yes, it can be a crazy world with men, sex, and love… but the fun is the process. The younger generation is more out of the closet but seems to rely soley on electronic forms of communication, while the older generation may be more prone to communication face to face but tends to have issues with being public about their sexuality. One day I’m sure this won’t be an issue as balance happens. The second issue would be opposition. Not only from homophobes who hiss and throw bibles when you’re on a romantic date but even other gay guys who are bitter because they can’t find someone. There are tons of subcultures in gaydom.(twinks, bears, trade, gaymers) .. dating outside of that or even dating outside your race can make other gays gossip about you negatively. We all want acceptance and somebody to love us fully. Social acceptance is just as importance as romantic love acceptance. But most importantly is personal love acceptance. If you don’t love yourself and respect your SELF you can’t accept or even expect people to love you fully.
When it comes to love, it’s hard to find a how to manual about it because love is something that is very difficult to rationalize. But we can share our experiences and try to attempt to find some common ground in that. That’s what I want to do right now. Share an epiphany of mine, not out of expertise, but purely experience and you can take that information or you can fling it to the wind.
It is my thought that when we meet someone and feel love for them and we want to share some type of intimate experience with, that person we fall in love with is actually the “cover” person. When I say the cover person, I do not mean something that’s fake but it is someone who has been developed over time. It is the adult version of who that person is attempting to be or what they think is expected of them. That person may be very responsible, very organized, very strong and has all the answers, very outgoing or even something very unattractive such as bitchy or sarcastic. But the cover person is never the total person. No. It is only a part of that person.
It is my present belief that most relationships break up or some do not become relationships at all because people decide to show you their true self. That true self is more-so their inner child. The cover person is the identity they have developed throughout life to protect that inner child. I think we all remember how easy it was to fall in love and consider someone our boyfriend or girlfriend when we were younger. Then heartbreak set in. After that hurt, we developed different guards and filters so that we would not get hurt again. We locked our child away out of protection. These filters and guards became apart of our personality and we didn’t even realize it until sooner or later we became a total different person than we started out.
The challenge for a relationship is that when a person lets their guard down and reveals their inner child, which may be hurt and not as strong as their cover person, that you should learn who is that inner child. That inner child may be quite the opposite of the cover personality they have developed. But I think that every person needs to be allowed to let their inner child go and if they can trust you to protect their inner child and love that child just as much as they love and protect that side of themselves then you have truly won their heart. Surely, some people may never allow you to see that side of themselves. They may never allow themselves to become vulnerable with another person. If this is the situation, then you have to decide whether the relationship is worth it or not.
To feel freedom of love it has to be like two children playing. It can not be one person protecting their inner child or your inner child at the same time at all times. This is when the imbalance comes. This is when a person feels like the parent of the other…and eventually someone will rebel.
Tell me what you think of my thoughts. I don’t claim to be perfect in my epiphanies but it’s something I have learned overtime. It is something that I want to share with another. I want to be free to love as I did as a child with out trying to rationalize every motive and intention but yet I want someone to be free to love me without being judged and know that I will protect that part which they love the most. That’s what I believe we all do.